


Running, looking, losing

by everythingremainsconnected



Series: The Supernova and her Rowdy Boys [3]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Gen, boy's got insecurities, precious violent cinnamon rolls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-27 05:46:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12575008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingremainsconnected/pseuds/everythingremainsconnected
Summary: Vogel is trying to keep it together but nothing's right when there's only two of them.





	Running, looking, losing

Everything was wrong wrong wrong wrong. Boss was too quiet she was always quiet why? Why was she soft and _quiet_ now? Her heart sounded so distant and the ding barely cut through the jumble of his head. Loud music screamed in the car but it didn’t come close to covering the silence.

The quiet burned at Vogel and itched his skin and made him jitter and bounce, not that he needed any help at all when it came to stimuli. He couldn’t feel her like it was _before_ and he couldn’t decide whether to scream or cry or break things or scream - screaming was always a good option. Before was another world. Before was when there was family and noise and fun. Driving and smashing. Drinking and breaking. Laughing and laughing and laughing. Before was when Boss Manda’s every breath was a flash of light and her every heartbeat was a thudding drum in his head. She had exploded every second with them and the fire of her fed them all. 

But that was before. 

Now Boss barely blipped on the radar. The drums faded. The silence hurt. 

Everything hurt when he thought about it. No chains rattled, no smoke filled the van, no _van_ , no drawling Martin to take charge and make everything better again, no nail polish or beers. Nothing nothing nothing nothing. Too much of all the nothing and Boss wasn’t enough to fill the space of four people. 

Under the quiet and the hurt was the fear. Vogel didn’t like to think about fear coz fear was the Bad Place where Bad Things Were and that fear was over and gone, just like Martin always said, _over and gone and done baby bird, they ain’t gonna get you no more._ They ain’t got him yet but the fear wouldn’t go and Boss didn’t know the magic words to make it better. 

Worse was the new fear that didn’t even have magic words to make it stop. New fear meant that Vogel couldn’t keep Manda safe like Martin had said and he couldn’t help her make the whackadoo crazy work right and he wasn’t ever gonna be scary enough to do what she needed. If the guys were here they’d make the crazy train go _choo choo motherfucker_ and Boss would see what they needed and everything would be right again. Martin was super scary and Cross was super scary and Gripps was super scary and they’d know what to do and - 

Boss said she knew what to do. Vogel didn’t feel her as solid as Martin was. Anything Martin said was the truth and nothin but, Martin always knew the right way and his sureness pointed them through the storm of the world and it was always where they were meant to be. Boss said she knew how to find em but she just never felt like that. Sometimes she was just scared and Vogel hated it the most coz they couldn’t both be scared because then who was left to be brave? But Boss always fought back and told him the truth and even if she didn’t point the right way all the time she pointed some kind of way and it had to be the guys soon. It had to be. It just had to be. 

* 

_The van the van the guys THE GUYS BOSS THE GUYS_ why wasn’t she excited it was THEM they were back! She’d found them like she said they would and everything was gonna be ok again and Vogel ran out the door. The man that jumped out of the van was wrong and Vogel’s whole world stopped still. 

It was him. The monster with a smile. Vogel wanted to tear his face off for trying to be Martin in _their_ van in _their_ home in _his_ clothes. How? _How?_ Vogel couldn’t move. He crashed and burned and proper terrifying despair consumed him. Boss dragged him back, back into the room and away but it wasn’t ever ever ever going to be far enough. Priest had them. It was over. 

* 

The fight was knocked clean out of him. Vogel and Boss sat on the floor and waited. Vogel had always been shit at waiting but the fire was gone and there was nothing else to do. Boss Manda stayed so quiet and there was no light in her anymore and the sun went down and they waited. 

When Priest tried talking Vogel wanted it to be true. He wanted to feel the sureness of Martin again and wanted the guys to be right outside and ready for him, he wanted it more than anything else in the world but Boss wouldn’t let him. The more she talked and begged him the more sure she got and Vogel slumped. He couldn’t fight that. He hated that she was right and didn’t want her to be right. He wanted the guys and he wanted them _now_. He wanted home. 

Glass smashed. Orange smoke billowed and Vogel surged to his feet. Smoke was bad for them and he couldn’t stay put and let it hurt them. Boss was shouting but she didn’t _know_ this time and she’d never known the fear of Priest and Vogel wasn’t about to let him take her - Martin wanted her to be safe - so Vogel was gonna make sure she was safe. He ran outside. 

The fight was easy like it always was but there were spaces where the guys should have been and they hurt when Vogel noticed. He tried not to notice. His golf club swung and he flew behind it punching and kicking and aiming straight for Priest ready to fight and maim and feed. Gas bloomed in his face. His body froze. 

_No no no no the Bad Place is over and gone! Why does it hurt why can’t I move? Boss get outta here! Go!_

Priest forced him down and pulled his fingers the wrong way and Vogel screamed at every snap but Boss was there and she found something to make Priest let go and reel back and Vogel reared up and _fed_. Cold crazy energy flowed into him and made his broken fingers tingle. Manda caught him when he stumbled and she dragged him back inside and Vogel sobbed. 

Boss pulled him into the room while gunfire sprayed through the walls and she pushed him into the bath to keep _him_ safe and that part wasn’t right. Nothing was right. The guys were supposed to be there always _always_ and they weren’t and Priest was going to get them and Boss wouldn’t quit shouting. 

It was broken. More than his fingers, more than Manda’s crazy that couldn’t find the way, more than the family that was gone. The world was broken. Vogel sobbed as Boss held him, rocking him, but she still didn’t know the magic words and she couldn’t fix any of it. They were going to die and it was all his fault. 

Water sprayed everywhere, bubbling out of the toilet and blasting them from the showerhead. Boss was shouting _DO IT NOW_ and Vogel couldn’t do anything, he was too small and not scary enough and Martin never shoulda sent them away. It was broken and over and done - right up until they fell into impossible water, clinging together and desperately clawing their way through choking black where a second ago they’d been in a bathtub. 

They surfaced, coughing and grasping at one another, waiting for Priest and guns and the death Vogel had tasted on the air but now? Now there was a breeze. There was a sun. There was no hotel or bathroom or Priest to kill them. 

“What’d you do with your whacky shit brain this time Boss?” 

“I dunno. I dunno.” Boss Manda panted, her arms tight around his neck, looking around. “We’ll find out. Ok? I promise we’ll find out.” 

Vogel grinned. She was sure this time and he felt it, and better than that he heard her heart, strong and loud, thudding in his head with a flash and a heat that warmed Vogel from his broken fingers down to his very wet toes.

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't leave Vogel crying in a bathtub and I regret nothing. [I'm on Tumblr](http://everythingremainsconnected.tumblr.com/), come say hi :)


End file.
